I follow the writer of the book Atomic Habits James Clear on Instagram because his posts are interesting and thought provoking. His recent post stated that at one time and for awhile every morning he would write “What Do I Really Want?” at the top of a piece of paper and then write, and it helped him to identify what he really wanted and to take action steps to make it happen. So I thought I would give it a try and see what would come up. This question has actually come up a lot over the last several years since my husband succumbed to cancer and my children have grown up and moved into their adult lives, leaving me to figure out the what now question. Mine took a bit of a turn. And since I am a big fan of over sharing I thought I would share it here. I may do this for a few days or a week or not. I’m all about consistency. I am consistently inconsistent.
___ What I really want is a clean well organized home, mind, body and spirit. I want freedom from other peoples bias judgements, I want to be free from dogma, free to be me-Freedom of emotion and thought — Free from judgement, freedom from the past, mistakes, bad decisions I can not change, free of the consequences of other peoples choices and there affect on me, on my life. I want to be seen for who I am. Really who I am. Not other peoples idea of who I am a one dimensional version, a characterization of an aspect that could never explain who I am. I am a person who cares deeply about others, empathetic, and selfless to the point that asking what do I really want causes me pain. Surprisingly ! I feel an ache in my sternum and realize that asking this question and feeling this deep physical ache is a conditioning of my childhood that says, ” What right do I have to want anything? I hear a voice, a familiar voice from the grave say, “Who do you think you are, to think you deserve more ?” And then I realize that voice does not understand it was never about things like clothes, cars or material stuff that I really wanted. I wanted the intangible and I still want it — peace, joy, strength, resilience, forgiveness, freedom, love. Love. To be loved, to be wanted. The unconditional agape love – Not the romantic, physical or obligatory that says we are related so yeah I love you. But the kind of love that is not based on what a person does or does not do and is not conditional. I think deep down below the noise of social media, television, celebrities, etc… I believe this is the great human need. To be really and purely loved. To be accepted loved for no other reason than you are alive and you are loved. _________________________
A place to come undone – So I came back to where I began
To myself – Alone
I was gone to long
Forgetting why I begun
The rhythm gone
A song with out purpose
With No one to sing along
You will find here a strange assortment of random words and rhythms. If you like please visit as often as you want. I have been away from here and my mind aches from words unsaid. My day job is in healthcare and although I am not a hero by any means. I sit behind monitors in a business office, I too feel the weight of the times we are all in. I admit I have chosen to tune out of news land for sanity and preservation. No one needs that daily incessant dose of negativity. But for the last week I have awakened with a feeling of physical and mental frustration. My books go half finished the ones I read and write. This feeling of anxious almost tilting to anger has taken me by surprise. I have had so much change– New job, new town, new home… Downsized considerably my children are grown and I am singularly alone in my world outside of work. I have to find a way to connect, to release the prose, to be a speck in humanity with a small small voice. I used to splash what I write on facebook and instagram but I don’t feel the desire to do that anymore. I don’t think I care if or who reads what I write…. Maybe I deeply desire that the ones it will touch, encourage, edify, or resonate will be led to it, and find it intuitively. I figure I pay for this little speck of internet space I might as well use it and hopefully it will help me or you.
I am posting videos on youtube and it is a learning curve for sure. I say amateur hour but the video’s are less than 14 minutes long because I can not seem to be able to post longer one’s. I think it has something to do with lack of subscribers and it is a numbers game for sure. But hey my north node is in Leo and I have been advised by the stars to take up acting… unfortunately I suck at acting so what you are witnessing on my youtube videos is the real deal. Lifeitsaflippinthing is the link if you would be so kind as to stop by and say hi.
Jumble-Cart Self Defined: A jumble of things in a cart. In this case several topics thrown into a blog post 🙂
Sometimes weird little words or phrases pop into my head and I think, “where did that come from” or “what does that mean?”.
Does that happen to you? Those mysterious words and phrases slide into your mind and you have no idea where you heard or read them. And you wonder how did I come to even know them? It happens to me frequently and that is how I came up with the title for today’s post. It popped into my mind, probably because I have several topics I wanted to write about so I googled jumble-cart to see if it was of my own making or picked up from this amazing mysterious quantum existence we are living. I didn’t find much except once used in an old manuscript. Well as you can see from the above definition I gave it, I sometimes just go with it and choose my own language as well.
I received delivery of fresh hot off the press new copies of Mattie’s Legacy my self published, fiction novel. You can find reviews if google the name. If you would like to purchase a signed copy please visit the General Store and order and I will send it to you in a padded envelope by media mail USPS with free shipping 🙂 Thank you in advance 🙂
A lot of noise is going on in our world and working in health care I feel like it is amplified which is causing heightened emotions for patients, families and staff. The lyrics “What the world needs now is love, love sweet love,” flows through my mind and I try daily to express that while I work.
I thought I would share my thoughts, a poem and some resources I feel have helped me through this evolutionary change we are all experiencing this one and only time with the hope that we can begin to live out those lyrics globally and personally.
Change has been needed on a global level for far too long and in a perfect world we would have accomplished this as a whole of humanity long before now. But perfect we are not and it has not happened, so time is up, we were given the opportunity many times through history to make and correct ourselves and not just on the surface but at the heart and spirit level. Our evolutionary evolving should have reached that level of love and acceptance before now. We should by now be able “to love our neighbor as ourselves” without having to be violently woke up. But again as we all know that it has not. I believe we have reached a tipping point that pushed our collective society into righteous indignation and to demand those changes NOW. And as a global outcry refuses to be silenced or lulled back into passivity as so often happens.
With all of this going on coupled with Covid-19 at the forefront of our everyday of our lives for everyone has taken the meaning of Viral to a new level literally. And for me on a personal level I was feeling the emotional drain and exhaustion mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have felt my energy turning from positive to defeated and depressed. And that is not in my nature. I felt a growing deep need for healing and for quiet, so I could regain the positive and peace I needed to heal my mind, heart and energy. It was not a check-out I needed but a check-in with myself. Checking in with how I feel, what has been my contribution, digging deep and finding areas within my own ideologies that needed changed. Hard stuff, but we can not get to where we need to be without taking individual responsibility. Our focus is so often outward on what others are doing or not doing that we forget to turn those questions on ourselves as individuals and evaluate our own hearts and minds. If you don’t think you have preconceived beliefs and judgements, think again because we all do and it should be our work as individuals to clean ourselves up internally everyday. Even if all you can do is take five minutes to evaluate yourself at the end of each day by reflecting on your encounters with others and mental responses, even that little will go a long way to healing us as individuals and as a mass society. I will leave that for now and hope that it will resonate with anyone who reads this.
What I am Reading Now:The Source of Self-Regard by Toni Morrison…You can find a copy on Amazon. I have just started this book and already it has touched nerves within myself and shed light on the dark corners of my heart and mind.
What I am Watching and Listening to: On Youtube watch this it will elevate your spirit, mind and heart: <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="http://<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/rQehXoCipts" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen>The Animal Communicator and Her Incredible Ability. https://youtu.be/rQehXoCipts. Watching Anna communicate with animals was the most fascinating and hopeful experience I have had in a very long time. What if we practiced this form of communication with each other and the animal world- what a wonderful world it would be. I watched this yesterday and than this happened today as I was reading Bob Goffs “Live in Grace Walk in Love” I was awed by today’s passage because it amplified what I had just watched yesterday and I just have to share it, because the synchronicity is just amazing: On Page 203, Job 12:7-9 “But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you. Which of all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this?
Okay if that does not blow your mind than I don’t know what would 🙂 I am still smiling and trying to talk to my golden retriever Stella and my cat Cayenne 🙂
Also watching on Youtube “A Chick Named Albert” check that one out to if you need your feel good vibes magnified. 🙂 as well
I will close with a not perfect free form poem and so much love and thoughts of peace your way …
A Dry and Desert Place
Do you hear the wind?
Wind of change rushing in laying waste to this dry desert place
body’s scramble to gain more to create the illusion of self-aggrandizment
posting pasting plastering trying to out run the truth
we are small simpletons self imposed scratching at our flesh
silently screaming watch me! watch me!
like a child begging an uninterested parent
we ignore the knocking that has been knocking for generations
we no longer hear the spirit at our door
and the important work we came here for
the mighty wind shatters the mirrors of our illusion
created from the sands of time appear as
beautiful prism’s of our lives
now Broken plain alone scattered dust to dust
it must return to where it came from that
cold dry desert sand slipping through bleeding hands
hot red soft sweet guilt drips at the feet of our ancestors
where it began, where it was left, where we continue to return
undone unfinished in a dry thirsty land
bleached bones shimmer
blood cries out again and again and again
down through time and ages and generations
It screams no more no more not again
in this dry desert place spinning
silent to the human ear but loud and clear
screaming back building
the wind’s came tearing through
our judgement and lies
carrying destruction and demolition in it’s wake
where is the rain
let it rain let it rain
cry out we must for the healing rain
cleanse this dry desert place
wash us clean of injustice and hate
let the rain heal the pain
so can welcome the spring
so we can begin again to
reveal green sprouts and buds
the hope of a new day
for a new generation
to grow a stronger welcoming world for all to live in.
So today I did something I have thought about doing for quite awhile but always found a reason not to just jump in and take a chance… creating a youtube video …. Scary, right?
I did it ! And it has been a learning curve for sure but it is out there albeit a very short video introducing myself and sharing a couple of cool thrifting finds. So if you would like to check it out you can follow this link and take a peak it is only about 6 minutes. YouTubeVideo
Speaking of thrifting… I went out today with mask and gloves and it was great to just be able to do something I love again. I also work in health care at our local hospital in the emergency room registration and even thought I do value and like what I do it has been beyond stressful. So spending time browsing and getting lost in some retail therapy was highly needed.
Stella turned two on May 26th and is the sweetest most loving dog in the whole wide world. I thought I would share her sweet smile with you today because this morning with everything that is going on in our world we just need to see a friendly face. And this is one of the friendliest face you will ever see.
This morning I took Stella for a walk at 7 am and the town was beautifully quiet, except for the birds (we saw three baby cardinals playing-amazing) and squirrels were out in full force(they run this town). I have always wanted to live in a town like the one I live in now and have for six years.The word bucolic popped into my mind as I was thinking about how much I enjoy perfect mornings like today as Stella and I were walking. It reminds me of Stars Hollow from Gilmore Girls.
But the reality today is that our Fleet Farm, Target and Wal-Mart have closed and are barricaded in preparation of expected protesting. I live in a town with a population of less than 30,000 and we have been put on notice that protestors from Chicago plan to protest in our town. I am all for protesting and peaceful assembly but I have this unease and concern for the small business owners who have already loss so much during covid-19. I am aware that there are injustices that need resolution for the long term and that here is no quick fix.
When I arrived back home with Stella tired and a little sweaty I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am grateful for this beautiful Sunday and the perfect weather. Which in Minnesota I have learned you don’t take a beautiful day for granted. As I take Stella’s harness off I stop and say a prayer for all ~ for those who are protesting , those who serve and protect, for those who are grieving and those who are comforting. Praying for your safety, healing, peace of mind, and comfort during these very difficult days.
I live in Minnesota and work in healthcare in a small town less than an hour away from the Twin Cities and it is heartbreaking to watch these scenarios play out time and again. Please pray for all who are living through this and know that there is no … all bad , all good… or always… we are to complicated for boxes and the officer or officer’s who keep getting away with injustice and abuse of power must be brought to Justice — Now! Otherwise people have a right to protest and demand that justice but they do not have the right to steal and destroy other people’s lives, adding to the fire does not make for justice being served.
I have a confession– I love signing up for subscription boxes but I don’t usually stick with them long term. Long term would be more than six months. Because I will come across another one that I get really excited about and the truth is I cannot afford several a month. So here are a few I have tried … Birchbox-Ipsy-FabFitFun-Barkbox to name a few. And they are fun! My long running subscription is Barkbox which is for my girl Stella. She is my two year old Golden Retriever. Oh and by the way here 2nd birthday is tomorrow May 26th. 🙂
I do get these waves of feel guilt when I look at the plethora of sample size products mucking up my dressing table. But lucky for me I have three grown up daughters to share with. 🙂 So I cancelled all of the makeup and personal item subscriptions after my friend shared her experience with Everyplate (super positive) and it was right after I had been shopping at the maze that is now our grocery stores. I was very frustrated because I am horrible about back tracking through the store even with a list to keep from having to do that. So, my bestie sent me a code to save $20.00 and I signed up for Every Plate meal service. And since there is just me at home I was able to get 8 meals for less than 30.00 with the discount. That was just a bit more than the take out for one I had bought a few days before. I am going to share that love just click the Everyplate link if anyone would like to save money and not have to deal with the crazy world of shopping in a maze at the grocery store and save $20.00 on your first order. Everyplate
I have another confession I am going to sign up for a few book boxes — not at the same time of course but I thought it would be fun to share those with you all on the Sunny Daze Book Club page. And if you have not clicked the page to check out what I am reading I hope you will.
Again I blame my Grandmother for my love of good old fashion mail– She used to make and ship me amazing blankets, afghans, toys, baby sweaters and outfits and as a young mom with a growing family, it was like a holiday every time we received a package. It is very nostalgic for me, especially if I don’t know what will be in the box–and there are surprises. FUN ! It just never gets old.
I blame my wonderful grandmother whom I am named after for my love of thrifting. Whenever I was struggling and having a very terrible awful day, she would give me ten dollars and say “go to the thrift store or yard sales and see what you can find.” I can’t explain how she knew it would help me but it always did. I came home excited to share with her what I had found on my trip out and about. Thrifting was cheaper than other forms of therapy and it helped me to stop dwelling on the pain of what I could not change.
And it is still the perfect therapy for me on those very bad awful day’s that still pop up now and then. My son call’s it my time to go treasure hunting. I love that because it’s so true.
I am a treasure hunter.
We are now in the day’s of up cycling, recycling, reduce & reuse, it has become quite the thing to do and it is seems to be a constant evolving way to care for our planet and ourselves. And of course the popular advent of decluttering, Marie Kondo your home, and minimalism. Which in my opinion is a cool idea in theory. But in my world maybe not so realistic. Just let me say I would like to know any true book lover who has been able to cull their to be read(tbr) pile to a minimalistic level? I really don’t want any advice on how to do that, that is a rhetorical question. 🙂
So in order to continue therapy, reduce clutter and continue treasure hunting, I have found ways to share my awesome finds through resell sites such as eBay and Poshmark, see the links below. I invite you to visit and take a look, you never know what you will find.